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Dec. 10th, 2011 08:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
miss_swampI am suddenly unspeakably grumpy. We got home about an hour ago from a great joint birthday for our friend (my ex's partner) and his 2-year-old son. The first half was at their house, with cake and banh mi and toddler insanity. Then a couple of babysitters showed up and the grown-ups all went to a nearby bar for toddler-free happy hour. James and I sat with my ex and talked about math and education. I had a hot buttered rum. It was very pleasant and (even though?) we were home before 7:00.
But then I started thinking about what would happen if we had that kind of party. It might be very lonely. Our dudes don't really have any friends other than each other and a few friends' kids since we've pulled them out of preschool. My baby group hasn't had a proper reunion in nearly 2 years, though we see the girl twins every so often. I don't worry too much about the boys; we'll get them back in preschool soon enough (we need to get cracking on that, actually). They get along pretty well with random strangers pretty well, considering their shyness. And I don't worry about Ellen at all; she's so smart and nice and by far the most socially adept person in the entire family. They'll be fine.
I worry about us. The core of our friends came from chorus, but the chorus has been dead for nearly 4 years. Those folks, I still love and value hugely. We still see each other relatively frequently and talk pretty often here or on Facebook. But what do we still have in common? We don't have that shared focus. Chorus folk have moved on to other things, some together: another chorus, gaming groups, church, band. James and I have move on to parenthood. Nothing but parenthood. Other chorus people have become parents too, but they've all managed to keep up with at least some kind of social life or outside interests too. I could point out that they only have one child each, which makes it easier to be real human beings too, but it's not that simple. We're also homebodies, and we're also exhausted. Yes, Bedtime For Three is a production, but we each manage it solo plenty of times for both fun and work-related reasons.
Still, that's a pain and we try not to do it often. Any regular activity we'd do would really have to be Worth It. I've tried a community chorus and yoga classes. The chorus was too easy, but I liked the yoga quite a bit. Unfortunately, I had to rush there so fast that I spent the whole first half of the class unwinding from that before I could start working on anything else. I decided it wasn't worth subjecting James to solo bedtimes for either of those. For the right chorus, not too far away, it probably would be.
And the thing is, it was never just about making music. It's about having that common focus. That's why I hope eventually James and I can find a place to sing together again, to have a common focus that isn't the kids, the mortgage, or even our upcoming kid-free trip to the coast. It's about something bigger than us.
Can I say something horrible? The recent string of attacks in our neighborhood is inspiring me to get more involved with neighborhood activities. Maybe that will be a Thing, someplace to focus other than work and family (though my work and family are both so tied to neighborhood safety). Maybe I'll meet a neighbor with a dog who's as sucky-yet-dedicated a runner as I am. For sure it will give us something to talk about, both with those involved and with our other friends.
And someday, count on it, we will sing again.
In the meantime, as a friend of mine pointed out, there's no way to say "Hey, hang out with MEEE" that doesn't sound desperate. So, um, hey, hang out with me? Maybe we can talk about math or education or the thugs in my neighborhood.
But then I started thinking about what would happen if we had that kind of party. It might be very lonely. Our dudes don't really have any friends other than each other and a few friends' kids since we've pulled them out of preschool. My baby group hasn't had a proper reunion in nearly 2 years, though we see the girl twins every so often. I don't worry too much about the boys; we'll get them back in preschool soon enough (we need to get cracking on that, actually). They get along pretty well with random strangers pretty well, considering their shyness. And I don't worry about Ellen at all; she's so smart and nice and by far the most socially adept person in the entire family. They'll be fine.
I worry about us. The core of our friends came from chorus, but the chorus has been dead for nearly 4 years. Those folks, I still love and value hugely. We still see each other relatively frequently and talk pretty often here or on Facebook. But what do we still have in common? We don't have that shared focus. Chorus folk have moved on to other things, some together: another chorus, gaming groups, church, band. James and I have move on to parenthood. Nothing but parenthood. Other chorus people have become parents too, but they've all managed to keep up with at least some kind of social life or outside interests too. I could point out that they only have one child each, which makes it easier to be real human beings too, but it's not that simple. We're also homebodies, and we're also exhausted. Yes, Bedtime For Three is a production, but we each manage it solo plenty of times for both fun and work-related reasons.
Still, that's a pain and we try not to do it often. Any regular activity we'd do would really have to be Worth It. I've tried a community chorus and yoga classes. The chorus was too easy, but I liked the yoga quite a bit. Unfortunately, I had to rush there so fast that I spent the whole first half of the class unwinding from that before I could start working on anything else. I decided it wasn't worth subjecting James to solo bedtimes for either of those. For the right chorus, not too far away, it probably would be.
And the thing is, it was never just about making music. It's about having that common focus. That's why I hope eventually James and I can find a place to sing together again, to have a common focus that isn't the kids, the mortgage, or even our upcoming kid-free trip to the coast. It's about something bigger than us.
Can I say something horrible? The recent string of attacks in our neighborhood is inspiring me to get more involved with neighborhood activities. Maybe that will be a Thing, someplace to focus other than work and family (though my work and family are both so tied to neighborhood safety). Maybe I'll meet a neighbor with a dog who's as sucky-yet-dedicated a runner as I am. For sure it will give us something to talk about, both with those involved and with our other friends.
And someday, count on it, we will sing again.
In the meantime, as a friend of mine pointed out, there's no way to say "Hey, hang out with MEEE" that doesn't sound desperate. So, um, hey, hang out with me? Maybe we can talk about math or education or the thugs in my neighborhood.
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no subject
Date: 2011-12-11 08:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-11 09:12 am (UTC)God that sucks. Adam and I both need activities to get us out of the house. I'm not looking forward to starting over but at least there's more to do in Oly. My only fear is that it's as insular and unfriendly as Seattle.
Attacks?? What's going on?
I'm thinking that we should institute monthly get togethers. One month you lot come down, then next month we go up etc etc ad infinitum.
no subject
Date: 2011-12-11 03:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-11 07:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-11 03:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-11 11:33 am (UTC)We tried going back to a few of our games, but things are different. The games have changed a little, but we've changed a lot. The idea of something being "worth it" for us to rearrange schedules, go to bed later than usual (and be extra tired the next day), absolutely factors into it. And we only have Henry! I can only imagine how much more "worth it" an activity would have to be for you and James!
But it won't always be like this. Our kids will need us in different ways as they get older, and we'll be able to carve out time for ourselves. The trick will be finding something that can give us a big dose of fulfillment in the windows of time we can afford for it.
We'll find it....
no subject
Date: 2011-12-11 06:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-12 07:44 am (UTC)